Last week I was front row and center to something that I thought was disheartening. I saw a woman formulate a lie to her boyfriend made up of all fictional characters….this apparently was done just to see if her boyfriend was lying and hoping to catch him in some “lie” but sadly for her that plan did not work.
Which brings me to my blog post on trust and relationships.
Trust can be a very delicate topic. Some may even say it’s a hot topic; You’ve probably heard that before, haven’t you? You’ve also probably heard that trust is earned, not given; trust is like a circle it gets smaller with every mistake that is made. Regardless, the idea of trust is very basic, but yet a key part in every single relationship; from friendships to marriages.
Trust is the spine, and backbone of what it means to love someone.
When you trust someone, you allow yourself to be vulnerable; and you let that person in. You give that person your heart, your entire soul, and believe it or not, despite all the crap in the world you develop very high expectations for that person. You watch that person go out and you have confidence that they won’t go throwing themselves around or flirting behind your back or opening themselves to any other human besides you. But the thing is, trust relies so much on the unknown. It is a form of faith that despite the odds and no matter what the world says, you believe the person you love will do you no harm and believe me that shit takes a lot of courage and strength.
I have seen nowadays that we have made trust a big and difficult thing. We are either giving it away too freely or we aren’t giving it at all, we have no balance when it comes to that aspect in a relationship. When trust is broken, we put up the wall of china, or in some cases no trespassing signs and let’s not speak about the continued insecurity sign tattooed on our foreheads.
Now can we assume that these are understandable….and to what extent? The thing is when trust is broken as humans, we get bitter, even if someone may be genuinely interested. We don’t have time to let them in, even if the person is transparent AF. All we know is, we got our hearts shred to pieces and we don’t want that feeling ever again. So, we decide that trust is no longer an option that we believe in. We say to ourselves “let’s keep ourselves closed off until we see blood” lol, and even if we feel something half the time we run or block it. Trust me, I do that all the time. 🙄🙄
But trust relies on the unknown as I have said before. What is a relationship without trust? I can tell you.
Not trusting your partner is a real problem that will not only break you as a person but also break the relationship and make you become so insecure and most times paranoid. In my opinion you can’t truly love someone without trusting them. Any relationship that isn’t built with a secure foundation will not last long and if it does there is always some issue.
So now you are here and claim to be in love with someone that you don’t trust. Are you truly in love or is it merely infatuation and obsession?
Where are you going? Who is she/he? Who are you with right now? What are you wearing? Why are you friends with so and so?
Now in reality the way they treat you is a complicated mess of “their” life. Their life before you. Whoever they used to love betrayed them and they are no longer the same. So, they are now questioning everything. They doubt you. They probably do things behind your back, in some cases the exact things that they accused you of doing because they’re afraid of getting hurt again. And it sucks but it’s not your problem. Yes you love this person yes you are loyal to this person. Yes, you are honest and would never hurt them and care so deeply for them and their broken, painful past. But you are worthy of trust, and the baggage that this person carriers drags like 250lb dead weight.
Now here is my little advice;
Your partner trust issues are “NOT” your problem. Sure, you can comfort this person and teach them what real love is, but you cannot change their mindset. You cannot spend your life trying to prove that you are different, that you love them, that you are not like the last girl/guy who did them dirty. You cannot bend over backwards for them, drop your friends for them, stay home for them, ignore plans for them, shift the way you think for them or become new for them. Because that would not be fair to you, and really and truly, the issues they’re having has not a damn thing to do with you.
So, what do you do now?
You are patient at first of course. You show them the person you are, and you teach them what trust really looks like, how freeing and wonderful and powerful it is to let go of insecurities and rely on someone to carry your heart in the palm of their hands. Hopefully, they see the beauty in that and that every relationship is never the same.
But if your attempts at proving yourself does not work, if they still say terrible things to you and about you because they don’t have faith in the person you are, you need to let go from that mess of a person because at this point, they are not worth it. You need to let go of the idea that you can change the way in which they think. They must change the mess of their life. When you choose the option to let go, you are doing them a favor and setting them free as well. So they can grow, rebuild and become whole enough to love and trust the next beautiful soul that enters their life.
“Life is too short for you to be fighting an already losing battle”.
Until next time