During the summer of 2009, I think I got wind by a dear friend that my boyfriend at the time was seeing someone else, he didn’t sleep with the girl as yet but it was bound to happen apparently. He wasn’t feeling me anymore so he started venturing out lol…I can only laugh now because we were still so young and the expectations was so damn high lol.
I remember how hard I cried myself to sleep that night, and how many more times I cried over that same boy. I wish I could say that I learned my lesson and never went back to him but that would be a big ass lie. We got back together so many times, each time hoping that this time would be different, but it’s never different it actually just gets worse while your heart keeps slowly breaking.
When I finally moved on which was years later (please don’t judge me) and started really dating someone new, I remembered not really giving my all to that person because of course I was afraid of getting my heart broken all over again.
I’ve never been the type to just dive into a relationship. It takes me a minute *a long ass time* before I make that commitment; but when I do I’m an idiot lol. From the minute I meet someone I’m interested in, I jump in like it’s a pot of gold (mind you I never thought of myself being that type of person but I really was looking back at it), hoping for love. I would see the red flags and try to give the person the benefit of the doubt and before you know it, I am attached and invested way too early in the relationship. I think I have always been drawn to the idea of “love”.
Looking back, I don’t think I’ve ever truly loved any of my exes tho, which is pretty wild considering that I was in an on and off situation/relationship for years.
How could you be with someone you didn’t love for years? You might be thinking.
Well, I think I mistook infatuation for love, plus I was pretty young at the time as well so I don’t think I really understood it. I was obsessive and thought that I needed this other person to complete me. I was desperate for him to love me.
I am saying all of this because sometimes we’re so desperate for love that we look for it in all the wrong places. We latch onto the wrong person, hoping they can fill a void in our lives. I’ve dated (not slept with…there is a difference) so many emotionally unavailable men, probably because I myself was emotionally unavailable. It’s almost as if I enter into bad situations/relationships knowing on some level that they won’t last….but there is comfort knowing that which is kinda weird and twisted…..I know.
What happened to the good ole days when things didn’t have to be so complicated? When we didn’t know what heartbreak felt like? When we were young and naïve and we assumed that our first love could and would overcome anything. Our first love would be our forever love.
I wish I could go back in time to when I was younger and I believed that love was the most beautiful thing in the world, before I had to question what love stood for but unfortunately I can’t, growing up sometimes sucks monkey balls.
at the end of the day we all want to be loved, yet we’re too afraid to give love a real chance. We take more than we give sometimes. We sometimes brag about how ice cold we are and think its funny. Dating has become a competition where the winner is the one who feels less. We keep people around, even when we have no intentions of seriously loving them, even when there’s no chance in hell that we’ll fall in love with them. Many of us would rather be in the wrong relationship than face being alone……
When did love become such a burden?
In recent years I have been thinking a lot about my past dating/relationship experiences, I realized that I needed to focus on myself first before I give my all to someone else. There are a lot of things that I miss about being in a relationship from helping me zip my dress up, to helping me fix a damn tire if I get a flat or for someone to hold me at night. It would have been so easy for me to go out with just anyone and or be a side piece or something. But instead; I made the decision to stay alone and work on myself so that one day when the right guy comes along, I will be ready for him.
I will be confident enough in our relationship and in myself that I am with this man and everything will work out if it’s meant to be and until that day comes, which I hope it will soon lol……I rather be alone and happy.
I know people who has said to me……”I don’t know how you do it, don’t you get lonely girl?”
Yes being alone is lonely trust me!!!!! but it is so much lonelier to be with the wrong person.
I am going to be starting a dating/relationship series here on my blog where I will share my experiences and give some advice with my beaus, I know some of you can relate. This will be the first blog out of the series and I hope you enjoy.